Old Habit

So I have this habit to talk about things that stressed me out to mom before she left. Something happened today, I can't really say what it was but it wasn't a big thing I should worry actually. And at the times like that when I miss her so much, I miss her everyday, sure. But especially at the times like that when I miss her the most. And it somehow hurt me to hear someone else in the other line other than my mom picking up my call, which carried some hope that I would hear the same advices as mom's from he/she. Foolish me. But because of that, I could understand my wound better and I came to an understanding of how big her love to me. They strenghtened me. My power, instead of hatreds and rages should come from beautiful things like the one I got today. This old habit of mine may stop here, but the feeling from those days will remain the same.

 

Sometimes, even if I am surrounded by the crowds I still feel lonely and different. Maybe, just maybe, I don't breathe the same oxygen.

Good People

Liburan ini sebenernya aku mau mengisi dengan mereview beberapa materi 'ngoding' semester-semester sebelum (iya, sudah dua semester). Apalah daya sialnya aku malah dilanda malas yang tak kunjung bosan berkawan. Rencananya juga aku mau nyicil-nyicil belajar HTML, CSS, dan PHP. Ah semoga bisa terwujud lah keinginanku. Liburan masih panjang tapi keinginan juga cukup panjang. Kapan aku bisa produktif?

Cut the rants, btw kemarin aku ketemu temen bapakku. Rupanya cukup tua padahal mungkin sebaya  juga sama bapak. Suaranya keras, bicaranya lantang. Kata bapak dia itu tukang becak. Dia tidak mampu melanjutkan sekolah ke SMA karena memang tidak mampu finansial. Dia itu anak sulung dan bapaknya sudah meninggal sebelum bisa membiayai dia dan saudaranya sampai besar. Dia punya anak satu dan belum sempat menikah sampai saat ini. Saudaranya meninggal dan dia mengasuh anaknya yang masih berumur empat tahun. Hebatnya. 

Orang sukses, orang pintar itu seperti ombak yang bergulum dengan keren dan tinggi. But good people is a slow waves that hits people with warmth and touches them with care. Kalau dibaca-baca dari ceritaku memang om yang kemaren berkunjung ke rumah eyang itu tidak kelihatan hebat seperti yang telah aku katakan di paragraf sebelumnya. Menurutku dia hebat karena, jika aku berada di hidupnya instantly I'd say that I have a very, very, bad luck in life tetapi dia memilih untuk menjalaninya. Kenapa bapaknya harus pergi cepat, kenapa keluarganya tidak punya cukup  uang hanya untuk sekolah saja, kenapa dia harus mengurus anaknya, kenapa adiknya pergi juga dan meninggalkan anaknya pula, kenapa dia harus mengurus anaknya adiknya. Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa?

In my very first class in college, my professor said "You can be great and win a lot of competitions or you can have good GPA or you can be succesfull in here". And then she continued, "but if you can't do them all, at least you still can be a good person." One powerful quote I still keep in my mind that probably will always be in there.

Loh, apa hubungannya dengan cerita om yang tadi? 

Jadi, menurutku. Om tadi itu hebat karena dia telah berusaha untuk menjadi orang yang baik. Bisa saja ia berikan anaknya adiknya itu ke panti asuhan ataupun memutuskan untuk meninggalkan anaknya sewaku ia kecil. Dalam kekurangannya ia berikhtiar untuk menghidupi dirinya dan anaknya dulu. Sekarang ia harus menghidupi dirinya dan anaknya adiknya. Perlu diketahui bahwa Kota Lumajang itu kota yang cukup sepi. Dan bayaran tukang becak di sini tidak semahal di Cirebon, kotaku (sungguh mahal aku pun malas naik becak di Cirebon). Masalah ilmu agama mungkin masih tidak sebaik kita semua yang telah mengenyam pendidikan dengan baik, tapi hal tersebut tidak menjadikan dirinya kapok untuk memilih keputusan-keputusan yang merepotkan. Merepotkan karena harus capek kerja untuk mengidupi keluarga. Dia memutuskan untuk menjadi baik, despite life gives him lemon.

But, but... you can't please every person you met dontcha? Iya, tapi baik != selalu membuat orang senang. Baik juga bukan dengan orang yang yang berada di grupmu saja. Dan jika memang sesuatu itu tidak dapat kamu lakukan dengan kebaikanmu maka berdoalah. Tapi apa iya kamu memang tidak bisa melakukannya?

Oke, oke, oke.. aku juga bukan orang baik. Aku juga punya banyak kesalahan. Banyak sekali. If you happen to know me I'm also not the most friendliest person you'll ever meet. Tapi, aku juga membuat post ini sebagai reminder bahwa aku harus terus berusaha menjadi baik. 

Good people change the world. At least, someone's world. So be good because maybe one good person may had changed your world and you must relay that, his/her kind and gentle touch, to others.

It's not always 0 or 1

I used to have an idealism that's kinda similiar with how the computer works. The computer reads 0 or 1. I believed in black or white. I believed that bad things are black and good things are white. Today, however, I'm no longer clinging into the idea anymore. I think there's no black that is too black to be called black and there is no white that is too white to be called white. The idea is much more abstract than 0 vs 1, I know, however it becomes more realistic. Realistic? Pffttt.. I hate to use the word. I hate to acknowledge that I'm changing.

Eventually the idea helps me understand people better. I start to wait for a second to hear their reasons. I become more humane, I think. Don't think I didn't know I was an heartless asshole, aight? Well yeah, I'm still an heartless asshole. But with less heartless. And I believe it is a good thing. I think sometimes it's ok to be 0.5 or 0.0000009. or 0.99999998. Sometimes, it is okay to be gray.

Somewhere in the way to be in the bright places, we may have to fall into the dimmed alleys.

SIGNS

In the universe our timing refuse to collide

  

I don't believe in timing. To be exact, I don't believe in perfect timing. I don't even understand why many people brought out this 'perfect timing' topic. I mean.. if you are meant to do or to be with someone well nothing can make you not to do or not to be so. If it's been written in your destiny, why do you need the perfect timing?

I've seen this in so many movies and dramas, the mains are in love with each other but the only thing that keeping them away from each other is they're in love in a different time. What a tragic beautiful plot. What can be more sad than falling in love yet they can't get to be together, so close yet so far. Then they'd say that their timing is off. Why blaming on the timing when it's actually you who can create the right-perfect timing for you. That'll only show how pathetic human can be. When they cannot accept their own mistake, they start to blame on other well.. even blame on the most ridiculous thing. I believe there's no perfect timing. If you can do it now why you do it later. Now is perfect, now is the timing. And even if you can't say it now, then maybe it's not meant to be. Then maybe it means you'll get something even better in advance. Cry all the way you want because your fate is cruel. But keep it quiet because the world simply doesn't care about your existence. Well.. the world won't budge an inch for people like you and me even if we let them know we're hurting. So man up. Be the strong kind hearted you are and start your own timing. Take a jump and create your own perfect timing.

Every desicions you make maybe won't lead you to the scenario that's been going on through your mind. It may go to the other way. And when that happens, don't blame on the timing that refuse to collide. Because, it's you who decide.

Little buddy

So I was given a task to make a mascot as one of the requirement for this one event my uni held, that I really want to join. I know my skill still sucks but I'm going to post it anyway. And... it's not the final shape but I think it's so much better than the finished one idk why... well here it is

Rehat Sejenak

 

 

 

 

 

Mom and things related to her

Mom passed away last February, seven days away from her birthday. I wasn't with her in her last minutes. And that makes me regret a lot of decisions I've made in a few days back from that day. Ever since, I always miss her. Strange, but a part of me is glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I know it had always been hard for her doing all of those, taking medicines and doing sort of medical treatments for cancer. And it had been had on her also in her last month. Her condition was decreasing gradually, I never thought that last swimming competition held by my uni was my last swimming competition she would attend. 

The truth is, she's been carrying those cancer cells since 2008. Since I was still on my elementary year. She didn't tell me about it when she was first diagnosed. However, I'm quite quick to read a situation. I knew something was up. And then one night I overheard her talking with someone I can't quite remember who it was. Since then I knew, I knew she wasn't ok. I cried, in my sleep. And the next day when I woke up, I pretended that nothing was wrong. Because I believed everything would be okay. Because I didn't want to see mom's tears. And for the next eight years, it had been a long and difficult fight she had been through. But she makes me proud. 

She makes me realize there is someone up there who loves her more than I love her, more than her sisters and brothers love her, more than pap loves her, more than her mom loves her, and more than those people she had touched their lives love her. 

We're too busy looking for comfort in someone else's embrace. Busy to find the right eyes to stare. Busy to search for the right voice to hear. Busy, busy, busy.

'till we forget

yet not

worse, we intent to

That there's no other love that is much more unconditional and sincere as our parent's. And I, at my age, I still don't have the capacity and courage to say I can love another person beside my parents. I mean how can I say I love someone if I don't know and I'm not sure what's going to happen between us later. When I'm not sure that he'll take care of me if I'm gonna be sick like mom. When I'm not sure he will carry me when I can't take the stairs like mom. When there's nothing between us can guarantee that he would do the same thing as my pap did to mom. And I think I'm up to that kind of love.

Pap misses mom. Pap misses mom when he has to take care of her belongings. Pap misses mom and he tells me. Pap misses mom but he can't cry. Pap misses mom, he prays for her. Pap misses mom. I do too.

I'd say stop looking and asking someone else to love you. Because you already have the love you deserve from your mother and father. Well, until then when you're ready and the time is right. But dear, you're already fall deep deep in your thoughts of love that they delude you.

[Fangirl Talks] Reply 1988

Gaaaah I'm losing my shit over this series. Seriously!!!! I have never been so hooked up to a series like now. I highly recommend y'all this fabs series, seriously guys.

There are so many aspects that make me love this series. First of all is the storyline. Well, I am going to give applause to the writer for bringing such rich elements to the story. They brought some pretty deep shits like fams issues, coming of age, friendship, and many more. This series also didn't only continue their husband hunting tradition, like they always did in the previous reply series, but also present the every day life that feels familiar to the viewers. Yo I cried when I watched 'em dude. Seriously. The story touched my fckin' heart like T.T

Second, all the characters that involve in the story. I mean, there are no arrogant rich guy or poor kind-hearted girl or any other 'pasaran' characters that usually get used in dramaland you know. HUHUHUHU AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL YOU KNOW MY HEART JUST CAN'T TAKE IT T.T

My favorite character is KIM JUNGPAL. Omg he's just so.... human. And that's what I like about him, He has flaws but he appeals in some kind of way. The way he treats the people around him will make your heart feel the warmth that maybe you long for. Well, he's intoduced as the member of the gank who hasn't turned into a fully human yet but as the story goes by I think he's the most 'human' character you can ever find in dramaland, irony I must say. He's just so selfless, I'd do anything for him to make him smile if he was real ofc. wkwkwk I guarantee that we all need jungpal in our life. I do.

jungpal and jinjoo

jungpal doing Kim sajang greeting

I also fall in love with Kim's family. They never fail to bring laughter to the audience. Papa Kim is so funny... like seriously. Mama Cheetah always looks like she had enough of her own family but she still love 'em. She cares for 'em. She always finds out if anything goes wrong with his family. She would nag like a lot about here and there, about the mess her family had made but she would feel sad if everything went well because that means her family do just fine w/o her. And it makes me think a lot about my own mother. I can relate to her point of view. Even Jungbong oppa inspire me too. Well he's not as bright as Jungpal but he has good, warm heart. I cry for how much he loves his dongsaeng. 

meet the family

they're so cute

Kim sajang being Kim sajang

Sadly, Kim Jugpal doen't end up being the husband we're all looking for. And he rather has a bad ending for me. I am kind of disappointed with the writer though. I mean, it's ok if he doesn't get the girl but at least please make him a more proper ending duh /lelahbaper. And... if I have to root for a couple in this series then I'll root for sunbora. Yeay! Congrats SunBora.....

The end.

Hey, I cry too!

I think lately people around me have been stereotyping me about me being not so sentimental enough to satisfy their expectation about how human, read 'me', should have. Well, yeah true that I don't cry easily. But come on guys... I cry too when I'm watching a sad scene or reading a sad chapter. I cry when I'm sad okay.... I cry when I think about 'sad things'. I cry for someone elses too. I cried for the last time I saw my cousin. I cried when my friends were wronged. I cried when I had to say goodbye to the things I had been doing for a long time. I cried when I had, for the first time, to live alone. I cried when I failed. I cried when I won. I just never did it in front of you guys. Crying, I think, isn't the thing we should have shown to the others. I cry too, okay.

Dead

I think I’m dead

Because my words aren’t mine

And my thoughts are someone else’s



I think I’m dead

Because my faith is shaken

And my existence is questioned



I think I’m dead

Because I’m not who I was

And who I was never thought she would be me