Mom and things related to her

Mom passed away last February, seven days away from her birthday. I wasn't with her in her last minutes. And that makes me regret a lot of decisions I've made in a few days back from that day. Ever since, I always miss her. Strange, but a part of me is glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I know it had always been hard for her doing all of those, taking medicines and doing sort of medical treatments for cancer. And it had been had on her also in her last month. Her condition was decreasing gradually, I never thought that last swimming competition held by my uni was my last swimming competition she would attend. 

The truth is, she's been carrying those cancer cells since 2008. Since I was still on my elementary year. She didn't tell me about it when she was first diagnosed. However, I'm quite quick to read a situation. I knew something was up. And then one night I overheard her talking with someone I can't quite remember who it was. Since then I knew, I knew she wasn't ok. I cried, in my sleep. And the next day when I woke up, I pretended that nothing was wrong. Because I believed everything would be okay. Because I didn't want to see mom's tears. And for the next eight years, it had been a long and difficult fight she had been through. But she makes me proud. 

She makes me realize there is someone up there who loves her more than I love her, more than her sisters and brothers love her, more than pap loves her, more than her mom loves her, and more than those people she had touched their lives love her. 

We're too busy looking for comfort in someone else's embrace. Busy to find the right eyes to stare. Busy to search for the right voice to hear. Busy, busy, busy.

'till we forget

yet not

worse, we intent to

That there's no other love that is much more unconditional and sincere as our parent's. And I, at my age, I still don't have the capacity and courage to say I can love another person beside my parents. I mean how can I say I love someone if I don't know and I'm not sure what's going to happen between us later. When I'm not sure that he'll take care of me if I'm gonna be sick like mom. When I'm not sure he will carry me when I can't take the stairs like mom. When there's nothing between us can guarantee that he would do the same thing as my pap did to mom. And I think I'm up to that kind of love.

Pap misses mom. Pap misses mom when he has to take care of her belongings. Pap misses mom and he tells me. Pap misses mom but he can't cry. Pap misses mom, he prays for her. Pap misses mom. I do too.

I'd say stop looking and asking someone else to love you. Because you already have the love you deserve from your mother and father. Well, until then when you're ready and the time is right. But dear, you're already fall deep deep in your thoughts of love that they delude you.