about being comfortable in my own skin

Hello my name is Fellita and one of the questions people had asked me, I often heard 'why don't you act like a girl?'. At first I just shrugged it off because slightly I was feeling good about not being the same as most girls. But lately when the question was asked to me, I felt weirdly low-key hurt. I mean what makes a person a girl? Why am I not acting like a girl enough?

I do have a foul mouth (but I'm trying to fix it, I know it's not good and I'm still working on it, I swear a lot, dammit! oops...), I speak my emotion freely without really filtering when I think I'm talking with someone I 'know'. And some conversations actually led to a more uncomfortable situation because eventually the other party didn't take my words good. I admit it, I was at fault. Swearing is bad. But then someone actually said to me 'how can a girl said such vulgar things like you'. I am sorry but why can't a girl say such vulgar things. Does that mean those male species got to say vulgar things? I don't know if I am making such a big deal over this, but I was kinda pissed at that time. It was like I was saying inappropriate things in public space but only to be pointed out because I am a girl, then the others could slide off from the spotlight because they are not. Well, even though they said more awful things. Oh boy...

I don't wear make up. I don't like how it feels on my skin. And no, I don't have a face that's passed the beauty standard in society. I don't have a great skin either. I am not pretty, definitely don't have unique features. I simply love the way I look, bare skin, exposed to pollution. I have acne and I will get those until I turn to 27 more or less and yes it is normal, biologically normal, means can be monitored and proved by science. And I don't want to cover them up with make up. Just like how there are people who paint and who aren't, I decide not to paint on my face.

I don't just smile on a picture. I sometimes make silly faces. Actually I don't really have that much 'pretty' photos of myself (partly maybe because people around me just can't take a good picture, only me! ONLY ME WHO CAN TAKES GOOD PICTURES ACTUALLY! PEOPLE?!). But yeah, I don't really pose prettily. As one of my favorite model Molly Bair said, "If you have people take picture of you, don't just smile. Like do something weird. Like why not. You have the attention."

Last, I just simply hate to dress prettily. I like to dress the way I am comfortable, the way I think is cool. I don't like the idea of beauty is pain. Why can't you be a healthy looking, vibe maybe, beauty? Being me in my skin is all that I need. But why can't people stop complaining about my certain act or the way I present myself?

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But I don't care.

Old Habit

So I have this habit to talk about things that stressed me out to mom before she left. Something happened today, I can't really say what it was but it wasn't a big thing I should worry actually. And at the times like that when I miss her so much, I miss her everyday, sure. But especially at the times like that when I miss her the most. And it somehow hurt me to hear someone else in the other line other than my mom picking up my call, which carried some hope that I would hear the same advices as mom's from he/she. Foolish me. But because of that, I could understand my wound better and I came to an understanding of how big her love to me. They strenghtened me. My power, instead of hatreds and rages should come from beautiful things like the one I got today. This old habit of mine may stop here, but the feeling from those days will remain the same.

 

Sometimes, even if I am surrounded by the crowds I still feel lonely and different. Maybe, just maybe, I don't breathe the same oxygen.

Good People

Liburan ini sebenernya aku mau mengisi dengan mereview beberapa materi 'ngoding' semester-semester sebelum (iya, sudah dua semester). Apalah daya sialnya aku malah dilanda malas yang tak kunjung bosan berkawan. Rencananya juga aku mau nyicil-nyicil belajar HTML, CSS, dan PHP. Ah semoga bisa terwujud lah keinginanku. Liburan masih panjang tapi keinginan juga cukup panjang. Kapan aku bisa produktif?

Cut the rants, btw kemarin aku ketemu temen bapakku. Rupanya cukup tua padahal mungkin sebaya  juga sama bapak. Suaranya keras, bicaranya lantang. Kata bapak dia itu tukang becak. Dia tidak mampu melanjutkan sekolah ke SMA karena memang tidak mampu finansial. Dia itu anak sulung dan bapaknya sudah meninggal sebelum bisa membiayai dia dan saudaranya sampai besar. Dia punya anak satu dan belum sempat menikah sampai saat ini. Saudaranya meninggal dan dia mengasuh anaknya yang masih berumur empat tahun. Hebatnya. 

Orang sukses, orang pintar itu seperti ombak yang bergulum dengan keren dan tinggi. But good people is a slow waves that hits people with warmth and touches them with care. Kalau dibaca-baca dari ceritaku memang om yang kemaren berkunjung ke rumah eyang itu tidak kelihatan hebat seperti yang telah aku katakan di paragraf sebelumnya. Menurutku dia hebat karena, jika aku berada di hidupnya instantly I'd say that I have a very, very, bad luck in life tetapi dia memilih untuk menjalaninya. Kenapa bapaknya harus pergi cepat, kenapa keluarganya tidak punya cukup  uang hanya untuk sekolah saja, kenapa dia harus mengurus anaknya, kenapa adiknya pergi juga dan meninggalkan anaknya pula, kenapa dia harus mengurus anaknya adiknya. Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa?

In my very first class in college, my professor said "You can be great and win a lot of competitions or you can have good GPA or you can be succesfull in here". And then she continued, "but if you can't do them all, at least you still can be a good person." One powerful quote I still keep in my mind that probably will always be in there.

Loh, apa hubungannya dengan cerita om yang tadi? 

Jadi, menurutku. Om tadi itu hebat karena dia telah berusaha untuk menjadi orang yang baik. Bisa saja ia berikan anaknya adiknya itu ke panti asuhan ataupun memutuskan untuk meninggalkan anaknya sewaku ia kecil. Dalam kekurangannya ia berikhtiar untuk menghidupi dirinya dan anaknya dulu. Sekarang ia harus menghidupi dirinya dan anaknya adiknya. Perlu diketahui bahwa Kota Lumajang itu kota yang cukup sepi. Dan bayaran tukang becak di sini tidak semahal di Cirebon, kotaku (sungguh mahal aku pun malas naik becak di Cirebon). Masalah ilmu agama mungkin masih tidak sebaik kita semua yang telah mengenyam pendidikan dengan baik, tapi hal tersebut tidak menjadikan dirinya kapok untuk memilih keputusan-keputusan yang merepotkan. Merepotkan karena harus capek kerja untuk mengidupi keluarga. Dia memutuskan untuk menjadi baik, despite life gives him lemon.

But, but... you can't please every person you met dontcha? Iya, tapi baik != selalu membuat orang senang. Baik juga bukan dengan orang yang yang berada di grupmu saja. Dan jika memang sesuatu itu tidak dapat kamu lakukan dengan kebaikanmu maka berdoalah. Tapi apa iya kamu memang tidak bisa melakukannya?

Oke, oke, oke.. aku juga bukan orang baik. Aku juga punya banyak kesalahan. Banyak sekali. If you happen to know me I'm also not the most friendliest person you'll ever meet. Tapi, aku juga membuat post ini sebagai reminder bahwa aku harus terus berusaha menjadi baik. 

Good people change the world. At least, someone's world. So be good because maybe one good person may had changed your world and you must relay that, his/her kind and gentle touch, to others.

It's not always 0 or 1

I used to have an idealism that's kinda similiar with how the computer works. The computer reads 0 or 1. I believed in black or white. I believed that bad things are black and good things are white. Today, however, I'm no longer clinging into the idea anymore. I think there's no black that is too black to be called black and there is no white that is too white to be called white. The idea is much more abstract than 0 vs 1, I know, however it becomes more realistic. Realistic? Pffttt.. I hate to use the word. I hate to acknowledge that I'm changing.

Eventually the idea helps me understand people better. I start to wait for a second to hear their reasons. I become more humane, I think. Don't think I didn't know I was an heartless asshole, aight? Well yeah, I'm still an heartless asshole. But with less heartless. And I believe it is a good thing. I think sometimes it's ok to be 0.5 or 0.0000009. or 0.99999998. Sometimes, it is okay to be gray.

Somewhere in the way to be in the bright places, we may have to fall into the dimmed alleys.

SIGNS

In the universe our timing refuse to collide

  

I don't believe in timing. To be exact, I don't believe in perfect timing. I don't even understand why many people brought out this 'perfect timing' topic. I mean.. if you are meant to do or to be with someone well nothing can make you not to do or not to be so. If it's been written in your destiny, why do you need the perfect timing?

I've seen this in so many movies and dramas, the mains are in love with each other but the only thing that keeping them away from each other is they're in love in a different time. What a tragic beautiful plot. What can be more sad than falling in love yet they can't get to be together, so close yet so far. Then they'd say that their timing is off. Why blaming on the timing when it's actually you who can create the right-perfect timing for you. That'll only show how pathetic human can be. When they cannot accept their own mistake, they start to blame on other well.. even blame on the most ridiculous thing. I believe there's no perfect timing. If you can do it now why you do it later. Now is perfect, now is the timing. And even if you can't say it now, then maybe it's not meant to be. Then maybe it means you'll get something even better in advance. Cry all the way you want because your fate is cruel. But keep it quiet because the world simply doesn't care about your existence. Well.. the world won't budge an inch for people like you and me even if we let them know we're hurting. So man up. Be the strong kind hearted you are and start your own timing. Take a jump and create your own perfect timing.

Every desicions you make maybe won't lead you to the scenario that's been going on through your mind. It may go to the other way. And when that happens, don't blame on the timing that refuse to collide. Because, it's you who decide.